i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
