i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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