god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
