Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
