1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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