We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Randomize
