My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
