He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
