Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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