Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
