I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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