the condom got lost in my hair
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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