don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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