remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
