tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
