I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
