If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
