the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
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