He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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