I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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