So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
