I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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