What a fucking waste of an outfit
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
