bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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