Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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