Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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