**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
