i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
