well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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