Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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