my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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