just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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