conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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