I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
