I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
