: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
