the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
