Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
