I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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