I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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