You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
