I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
