Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
