You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
