my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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