and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
