Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
