Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
