Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I have aggressive nipples.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
