ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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