wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
