Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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