Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
